Friday, January 25, 2008

Dear Lucey

Dear Lucey,

Today has been such a hard day for me. I am not really sure what to do with myself.

I had initially planned to go out and weed your little corner flower garden, but the thought of being hot, weepy, with a runny nose and dirty hands and getting sick from the heat yet again this weekend was more than I could bear.

This may make me sound like a horrible mother, but I spent most of today trying to forget that it was your birthday, living in denial with the belief that if I could just forget then tomorrow everything would be all better. I was not very successful.

I thought of you as I woke up this morning, you were the first thing on my mind. Did you hear me say "Happy Birthday baby girl."? Did you see me roll over and try to go back to sleep, yet another way of trying to escape this day?

I made a cheesecake for your birthday. I was going to have daddy and the boys sing the Happy Birthday song with me and light a candle, but when diner time came, I couldn't bear the thought of having a candle that you couldn't blow out, so the cake stayed in the fridge and I locked myself in my bedroom and tried not to cry.

I didn't put out flowers for you this year. I didn't send up balloons. I don't know what my problem is. Please understand that it is not because I don't care, it isn't that I am forgetting, I just can't bring myself to open up to that pain, that grief, even for one day. I am afraid it will consume me whole.

People tell me I should be over you by now. It has been six years after all, I need to move on with my life but I can't seem to let you go.

Every year on your birthday I try to imagine what you would look like if you were here. In my mind's eye you are dark like daddy and have thick, dark hair. Green/gray eyes like the twins and a constant smile like Karson.

You have your teddy bear that you carry everywhere, I wonder what you would have named it. Do you have a favorite blankie as well?

I pray every day that you are happy where you are. I pray that God will let you know how much you are loved. And I pray that you are with our family and they are caring for you. Have you met your grandparents? Is Kenna your best friend? I can't wait to see you again, to hold you in my arms. I will never let you go! I can't wait for your brothers to know you. I am sure you are watching over us, I hope you hear us speak of you often and know we wish you were here. We have not, and we never will forget you. You are as much my child, forever, as your brothers. I love you so very much.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Love Mommy