Another Birthday

Lucey,
Happy birthday baby girl.
I miss you, I wish you were here.
I hope your day is happy wherever you are.
Love Mommy

Wise words

An email from my mother this morning contained this quote...

When you reach the end of your rope
You will find the hem of His garment..

This is so true, sometimes I wish I was always at the end of my rope because those are the times I realize the most how much I need divine intervention in my life. Those are the times when my heart is most open and more easily filled.

Feeling Grateful

Today I am feeling very grateful for my Heavenly Father and his provisions. I feel grateful for the knowledge that I have that families are not "Til death do us part" but go on for the rest of time. I am grateful for the knowledge that some distant day I will be able to touch, feel, hold and kiss my daughter. I am grateful for a loving a just God that hears and answers prayers, forgives our sins (And loves us despite them) and heals our broken hearts and makes us whole again.

I am grateful for the chance that I have to be a mother, to ALL of my children.

I am grateful for the friends that I have.

I am sad today. I am sad for my friend and her loss. I am sad that her loss makes my own scarred heart ache for my own daughter. I am sad that my friend is already mourning a daughter and is now mourning a son. How does one recover from something like this? How do you pick up the pieces and move on?

"The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Footprints In The Sand
Carolyn Carty 1963

I know this is true. I KNOW it! I know because only by Him carrying me have I been able to make it from there, to here. I know I could never have made this journey on my own, and I know also because my faith is far deeper in times of trial, when He is closest. I know He is beside me, I feel His presence and I glory in it. Just as I know he is beside my friend, holding her up, holding her together.

My love, thoughts, and prayers are with the Sanders Family.

Thinking about replacements

Because I can't stand the idea of going one day without Lucey's reminder wrapped around my finger, I started looking at Peridot rings online last night.

The problem with Peridot is that it is plentiful and not very valuable, so rather than give you a normal ring, with a normal sized stone, they give you an enormous stone and an often gaudy ring. It took me FOREVER to find Lucey's ring because I don't like big rings.

So I wasn't planning on really finding anything I loved last night, but I stumbled on this....


I love this for two reasons. #1 It's Lucey's birth stone. #2 It looks just like the promise ring that B gave me when we were dating (It had diamond chips in it though). It's X's and O's...get it? It's not really my style, but I am a sentimental girl and I love the idea of having a reminder of Lucey AND B all in one.

But then I noticed....you can customize this ring and put whatever stones you want in it. How cool is that? And guess what? I can carry little reminders of my whole little family around on my finger! PK, K, B, Lucey, and PF all right there in one place. Don't their stones go pretty together?


Only problem is...since B cut his finger, he can't work. His work is kinda crazy when it comes to working with restrictions and since his doctor put on his note that he has to keep his finger clean and dry...they won't let him come to work. So we thought....once he gets his stitches out it will all be well, but no, he still has to keep it clean and dry. So, he still can't go to work for another week. So that is two and a half weeks of no work and no sick pay or vacation because he used it all when he had his hernia surgery. So.... we will be living tight for a while. But maybe by my birthday in May.

I still live with the hope that Lucey's ring will somehow magically reappear. Having that ring back would be my most hoped for outcome, but I can't imagine where it has gone or what has happened to it. Like I said, that ring and my wedding ring are a pair, I always wear both and it completely baffles me how I had my wedding ring on but not Lucey's. Where could it have possibly gone, and how could I not have noticed it coming off my finger?

Devastated

I am absolutely sick at heart and devestated. I have lost Lucey's ring.

A couple years after Lucey died, B gave me a ring with her birthstone for Christmas. I have worn this ring on my right hand every single day since then and I have always considered it my way of keeping her close to me, a reminder every time I see it of my little angel.

We were shopping today, trying to find some new shoes for my son K. I looked down at my hand for some reason and noticed with a shock that it was bare. I couldn't figure it out, my wedding ring and Lucey's ring are allways together, I take them off and set them on my night stand at night and put them back on at the same time in the morning. I never have one without the other and all of the sudden, there I stood with my right finger naked and I can't for the life of me figure out where my ring is. For an instant I thought maybe I had forgotten to put them on, but no, I had my wedding ring on. I know I had to have put it on because it is habit, first one, then the other, I would have noticed if there had only been one.

But I kept that hope alive in my head that when I got home, it would be sitting there. I have searched my entire house and it's not here. I am sick, I feel like I am going to throw up. I feel like an invisible chord inside of me has been yanked and I am fighting to breathe.

I can't even begin to convey what this ring means to me. As bad as it sounds, I would rather have lost my wedding ring than Lucey's ring.

I can't believe this has happened. There is no way I can ever replace it. I am devestated and so very sad right now.

Lucey's Birthday pt 2

Ok, so after lunch and the non-movie B decided he was going to take me to Boondocks. It's a local place that has mini golf place,you know the type.

So we drive all the way to the other end of the valley, stand in line for about ten minutes and all this time I am saying "This would be a lot more fun with the kids". Finally it's our turn to pay and B says "You decide, we can do this now, or we can come back later with the kids."

I voted for later and we left. I was having a hard time getting myself excited about doing anything. This is traditionally my day to mope around, cry, and be sad. It was hard to get in the party mood.

We went to the bookstore, and took a little drive, then headed home to wait for the boys to get out of school. I started looking on the Internet for a bed frame and found one on Craig's list for a really great price and they also had a vintage metal headboard, so we told them we wanted both and arranged for a pick up later that night.

Soon the boys are home from school and we head back to Boondocks. We started out with Mini golf. B started keeping score of just the two of us so he could gloat about how badly he whooped my butt. (Don't tell him I told you, but I beat him by four, that's a hard pill for him to swallow =0P)


Check out this picture of PF, I caught the ball suspended in mid air before it dropped in the hole. My poor kids need a hair cut in the worst possible way. I'm amazed he can even see to hit the ball for all that hair in his face.


We drove Go Carts and played some arcade games, spent all our tickets on some worthless crap, then it was time to head off to pick up the bed frame and headboard.


Check out me (#9 car) getting creamed into the wall by the dude in the #10 car.(Forgive the nine year old photography)


And last but not least, here is a picture of my new headboard. See my other headboard behind it, alas Bryan says we can't have that one in our bedroom =0( He hates it that bad *sigh* he isn't very fond of the metal one either but he doesn't hate it as bad as the wood one. Sorry, I know it's hard to see, but it was dark outside so I had no light to work with.


In the end, it turned out to be a good day. I got to spend the day with my favorite people, people who love Lucey too. We talked about her and we laughed and her birthday was a happy day, like it should have been. By the time we all got home we were too tired to eat birthday cake, so we saved it for the next day and ate it with the Merry Grandma and Grandpa.

Lucey's Birthday

On Wednesday, Lucey's birthday, I got up and walked the boys to school. I am no longer acting as a crossing guard, the school put an end to it for liability reasons. They would rather let the kids cross a busy intersection on their own, than have an adult help them across and be liable for it *sigh*.

When I got home B was still in bed sleeping so I came downstairs and sat in the recliner and just meditated and bawled. When B got up he took me to lunch at Famous Daves (first time I have ever been there) and then we were going to go to a movie across the street. We went over and looked at what they had to offer and decided that nothing really appealed to us. (I wanted to see Mamma Mia but apparently B's compassion doesn't stretch so far as to include musicals *wink*). So we walked out to the car and we were approached by a man who said he was here, with his daughter, from a town about an hour away and somehow had lost his debit card and they didn't have the gas to get home again. He was on the phone with his wife and as we were walking up I heard him say "Honey, this is so humiliating". I felt bad for him but B said "Sorry, can't help you and walked away". Mostly because you can hardly go anywhere around here with someone coming up to you in a parking lot and asking for money. I felt bad because I felt that he was telling the truth and honestly didn't know what to do. As we walked past he sounded quite emotional on the phone and again told his wife that he is so embarrassed.

When we got to the van I took ten dollars from my purse and told B I would be right back because I had had a thought pop into my head that this could be Lucey's Birthday present. I am not sure if she whispered to me, or the holy ghost did, or if I am just crazy, but I felt that I needed to give money to this man. So I walked up to him with the thought in my head of this being my daughters gift and wouldn't you know it, as soon as I was standing before him I burst into tears. I felt like such an idiot. Poor guy, he was looking at me like I was insane and as I tried to hand him the money he said "Oh ma'am, I can't take this money from you, you keep it."


I don't know what he was thinking as he stood there looking at this sobbing mess in front of him but I told him no, it's my daughters birthday today and I can't give her a gift because she isn't here to give one to, so I am giving it to him in her name.

He stood there with his mouth opening and closing like a fish and kept saying "Oh thank you, God Bless you, oh that is so sad, and I am so sorry."

Poor man, I think he would rather have been stranded than be standing there with me LOL

And since this has gotten so long, I will save the rest of the day's events for later.

Hope you are all having a good day.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I wish so much I could hug you and kiss you and watch you blow out your candles. I want to buy you dolls and play make up, and paint your fingernails, make bracelets to match every outfit, tie ribbons in your hair and teach you all the things I love to do. But I will have to settle myself with spending the day thinking of you, knowing that you are happy where you are and praying you know how much you are loved.

You would be in first grade this year. My how time flies. I wonder if you would have liked your teacher, I wonder if you would be a good student, or if you would struggle. I wonder if you would be shy or outgoing. I can't wait to find all these things out about you.

You were the last thought on my mind as I went to sleep last night, and the first thing I thought of this morning. Daddy got the day off of work and we are going to spend the day together. I am glad I won't have to be alone today, I need the distraction. Not because I don't like to think about you, just to distract me from how sad that makes me. I think it gets harder as the years go by. I seemed to do much better the first few years. Maybe because your three brothers never gave me time to have a moment to sit down and think LOL

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, a thought came into my head. I pondered more this morning and have come to the conclusion that it makes perfect sense to me.

How could I have at least two miscarriages (Possibly more) before the boys were born, and not miss them and yearn for them the way I do you? Why do I not feel they are connected to me. And last night just as my mind shut down for sleep I believe I got an answer.

You are MY CHILD! Your spirit is a part of this family and I will be your mother in the next life. You belong to me, your dad, and your brothers. That is why I feel such a strong connection to you.


The others...God said that every spirit needs a body, and that mother's who were unable to have children in this life will be able to conceive in the next one. Where do those spirits come from?

I think God knew I would understand, that being through the heart ache and loss of infertility, prematurity, and infant loss would make me a compassionate spirit. I believe I accepted the role in the pre-existence of being a vessel for other mothers to have children. I agreed to house within me precious spirits, that came to earth for a body, only briefly before returning to heaven, that in the next life would be able to be born to their own mothers. This is why I grieved their loss, the loss of their potential, but never really grieved the loss of my own child. These precious children were not mine to begin with. I was simply the means to allow them an earthly body, but their spirits are part of another spirit family.

You however, are my child. You belong to my family and this is why I grieve your loss so deeply. You are not a loss of potential, you are a loss of my own sweet child.


The more I think about this, the more it makes sense to me. I understand now. God numbs the pain because they are not my own children but someone else's. The pain of your loss is not numb because I am creating cavities in my soul to be filled with joy when we are reunited.


Happy Birthday Lucey Goosey, I love you with all my heart, may every angel you encounter today give you a million and one kisses. I wish I could give them to you myself.

I'm ok

Thanks for the emails =0) Really I am doing ok. I have had a few teary moments the last few days but over all, a glorious numbness has settled over me. I am not happy, but I am not grief stricken either.

I had a teary moment standing in the cake mix isle at the grocery store. With my boys and B I know exactly what kind of cake mix to buy, I buy their favorite. Standing there today, I just couldn't decide what to buy. It was weird how that was so upsetting for me.

Also I have been having overwhelming fatigue the last few days. Maybe it's depression, who knows, but I have been really tired and hence easily drift off to sleep at a fairly early hour.

I have been having nightmares though, so not really getting restful sleep, but at least I don't lay awake till all hours of the night thinking KWIM? B says I have also been snoring really badly. My doctor wants me to have my enormous tonsils removed, but I'm a wuss and I can't stand the idea of another surgery, so I am holding off on that one. I do think I have another sinus infection though, and that coupled with the tonsils means no sleep for poor B.

The good news is, B took the day off from work tomorrow to hang out with me. He is talking about going to a movie while the boys are at school and maybe doing something as a family tomorrow night.

I hope you all have a good day tomorrow. I hope I do too.

Birthday Gifts From My Daughter

I think she has this backwards, I am supposed to give gifts to HER, not the other way around, but Lucey sent me the most precious gift last night.

I ran to Walmart at midnight to get the new Stephanie Meyer book "Breaking Dawn". It's so nice of her to release her book this week so that I have something to distract me from my tear soaked days while the boys are off at school and the house is all quiet.

Anyway, I got home and wasn't really very tired, so I decided to try and get a little further in Memoirs of a Geisha, since I promised myself I would finish it before I started Breaking Dawn. Finally around 2 AM I was tired enough to go to sleep and actually fell asleep rather quickly.

So here comes the part about the gift. I have always regretted the way my pregnancies have ended. The twins were born at 29 weeks by emergency C-section under general anesthesia. And K was born after 76 hours of labor where he got stuck and his heart stopped, so when he came out they grabbed him and ran from the room.
With Lucey, it was all just so traumatic and sad. I always regretted that I didn't have the delivery where I pushed my baby out and they set them on my stomach and we got to cuddle and kiss their wet gooey heads. I wanted to actually SEE my baby within 24 hours of birth and I wanted to have a normal delivery, whatever normal means, instead of horrible situations and NICU stays and loss.


So last night Lucey sent me a gift for her comming birthday. I had the most vivid dream of being pregnant, pregnant without any worries or complications. I went to the hospital and the were calling the doctor, I was laying on the bed fully dressed and said "I think she's coming!"

They took my pants off and easily and painlessly this tiny, perfect little girl with dark hair and gray eyes slipped from my body. They raised her up and placed her on my chest and she started to nurse right away. I just lay there for hours and stared at her beautiful face and nursed her and held her.

It was like she was saying "This is what I would give you mom, if I could."

This is how I wish it had turned out for us, followed by a long and happy life together. Maybe this is her way of showing me what is to come.

I had a really bad day the other day and someone told me "If you believe you will see them in heaven, you will."

I know with everything in my heart and soul that she is there, waiting for me. That I will see her again, and that her desire is for our family to be an eternal family. I am grateful for the gospel that tells me this is possible. I hope I live worthy to be the mother of my children for the rest of time.

This hurts

Lucey's birthday is coming up. This time of year is always the hardest for me. Yesterday I was sitting in my chair in front of the computer listening to a song written for another mother of an angel baby girl, I had tears welling in my eyes. Sometimes I miss her so bad, and the pain in my chest is so strong that I can barely catch my breath. I was struggling to compose when my little K came in from the other room. I think this boy has a sixth sense that tells him when I am sad and need a little happy boy in my lap giving me kisses and hugs.


His concern was evident as he asked me what was wrong, why did I have tears in my eyes. I told him that my heart was sad and missing Lucey, and that her birthday is coming up.

He snuggled with me, and patted me, and kissed me for a few moments and said "Mom, birthday's are happy, we need to have a party. We can make a cake, and have balloons and ice cream and sing Happy Birthday to her and then we can send the balloons to her in Heaven." He even volunteered to blow the candles out for her.

I think he has the right idea. For too many years now I have held her birthday as the day I get to feel sad and sorry for myself. I think we will have a party. It's not fair to her to have everyone sad and mopey on her birthday.

K is my partner in grief. He never knew Lucey, he was a baby when I lost her, but he thinks about her often. He is the only one, besides me, who mentions her name. When we are out in public and people comment "Oh, you have three boys?" K is always the one who says "No, we have a sister too, but she died." It is almost comical to watch the shock on the people's faces at his blunt announcement and then the fumble trying to figure out what to say in return. He is the one who seems to have a bond with her, maybe they knew each other before and he still remembers her. Maybe her spirit touched him as she left. Who knows, but I know he loves her almost as much as I do, and for that, I am grateful.

So forgive me if I am a little mopey this week. It's always a hard week for me to get through.

Happy Mother's Day

Today was a hard day, lots of heart hurts.

I started crying when I got up this morning and it took me all the way 'til the end of church to get the tears stopped. I just know that right now there are so many people I care about who are hurting right now.

I have tried several times to write a post, but it keeps coming out so sad, and that isn't what I wanted for today. It's just hard when so many people I care about are hurting right now.

So I hope everyone had a happy Mother's Day, and took the time out to think about your mom, what she has done for you and what makes you grateful.

My mom, like I have said before is truly my best friend. She is my mirror and when I look at her I see myself reflected back. She is a much better person than I am though, more patient, more kind (I blame my lack of patience on living with three noisy, smelly, hyper boys LOL)

We share the same interests, she has passed her talents on to me (Although I can't come close to her fried chicken or home made gravy). She is my role model and my shining example of the kind of person I want to be.

Love you mom!

At the same time I am VERY grateful for the opportunity I have to be a mother to three beautiful, incredible, and amazing little boys. Every day my life is made brighter by their humor, their love, and their noise.

I am likewise grateful for the chance I have to be Lucey's mom. Although my heart aches, I would not give that pain back if it meant not having had her in my life. I never saw her face, or touched her fingers, but she is my child as much as her brothers are. Her presence in my life has changed me, made me stronger, and for that I am grateful.

I am grateful for my grandmothers, and for B's mom and Aunt Libby. All of whom raised the people I love most. You are all examples to me of how to be a mother and how to do it right (although I am sometimes a poor student).

Happy Mother's Day to all of you, I hope you felt loved!

Reborn Babies and Crochet

I have added pictures to this post three times now and they keep disappearing, so if you can't see all of them, I appologize.

Have you ever heard of a reborn baby?

It's a vinyl doll that is hand painted by artists to look like a real baby. I first learned about these babies in February when there was a thread about them on 2peas. I was curious so I did a little research and in doing so I stumbled across Adalynn By Rachelle Ferrell of Chelle's Babies.


I fell instantly in love with her. She looks so much like PK did as a baby and I can't help but think that maybe this is what Lucey would have looked like. I thought "Hey, maybe I can buy her" then I looked to see how much they go for on ebay and ummmm that would be a big fat NO! So can not afford to buy her.

My heart was broken. Then I saw on ebay that a reborning doll store was selling the kit for $89. A kit is a head, two arms, and two legs of unfinished vinyl. It is up to you to do the rest.

So I bought it. It's crazy I know. I have no idea how to do this, and I am in way over my head, but for some reason, it is soothing to my soul to have this dolls little parts and pieces in my home, under my roof, in my care. Like I can't really have Lucey here, but I can have her likeness. Does that make any sense?

So I have been researching for a couple of months now, looking at free tutorials online and trying to learn how to accomplish the reborning process of my little vinyl baby. And I have it in my head that if I can do this, if I can make her beautiful and whole, then maybe I can finally forgive myself for not being able to save Lucey, for whatever I did wrong that made her have so many problems.

But....I don't want to start on her because what if I screw it up? So, I went to Walmart and bought a cheap vinyl doll, took her to pieces, cleaned all the factory paint off of her and she sits in a little case waiting for the day I can afford the horribly expensive paint and supplies to start working on her.

A lot of beginner artists will start on the Berenguer dolls and learn their skills on them because they are cheaper than the sculpts made specifically for reborning but still very lifelike and detailed. I happened to find one at the thrift store for $1.50 so I now have two practice babies. I am going to keep my eyes open and snap them up whenever I see them, I want to be really good at this before I tackle my Lucey doll. I have seen a lot of reborn babies in the last few months of some of them are really really scary. Some of them are really sloppy, and some of them, like Chelle's, are stunning. She does such an amazing job. I contacted her and asked if she would do commission work and she said no =0( I think she would do a MUCH better job on my Lucey doll than I ever have a hope of doing. Because she already has, look at Adalynn, she is the same sculpt as my Lucey doll. It is "Mommy Loves You" by Tina Kewey. Chelle's Adalynn is the one I first fell in love with.

So...wish me luck as I set off on this adventure. I may need to have a fundraiser to raise the money for the supplies I need LOL Now accepting donations at... just kidding.

But anyway, this is my Berenguer doll that I got for $1.50. She was positively filthy and had white scuff marks all over her face. The use of soap, some elbow grease, and some nail polish remover has her looking much better. She fits into newborn size clothing.


Look at Chelle's amazing version of the same baby, isn't he darling? Such a difference isn't there?


Which brings me to the crochet part of my post. After all, every baby needs a blankie right? So I started on a blankie for her this morning. It's going fairly quickly and is an easy pattern so hopefully it won't take me too long.


So wanna help me name this little dolly? Any great ideas? She needs a name so I don't have to keep calling her "The Berenguer" LOL


Please if you are going to comment on my need to do this, say something nice. I have had my Lucey doll for about a month now and haven't been able to talk about her to anyone other than my sister and two of my closest friends because it is something so deeply personal and emotional for me that I couldn't bear to have anyone say anything negative about it. I know some people find these babies "Creepy" and some just don't understand. But this is something I need to do for myself, I need to find a way to heal a little and I think this can help. Thanks.

Dear Lucey

Dear Lucey,

Today has been such a hard day for me. I am not really sure what to do with myself.

I had initially planned to go out and weed your little corner flower garden, but the thought of being hot, weepy, with a runny nose and dirty hands and getting sick from the heat yet again this weekend was more than I could bear.

This may make me sound like a horrible mother, but I spent most of today trying to forget that it was your birthday, living in denial with the belief that if I could just forget then tomorrow everything would be all better. I was not very successful.

I thought of you as I woke up this morning, you were the first thing on my mind. Did you hear me say "Happy Birthday baby girl."? Did you see me roll over and try to go back to sleep, yet another way of trying to escape this day?

I made a cheesecake for your birthday. I was going to have daddy and the boys sing the Happy Birthday song with me and light a candle, but when diner time came, I couldn't bear the thought of having a candle that you couldn't blow out, so the cake stayed in the fridge and I locked myself in my bedroom and tried not to cry.

I didn't put out flowers for you this year. I didn't send up balloons. I don't know what my problem is. Please understand that it is not because I don't care, it isn't that I am forgetting, I just can't bring myself to open up to that pain, that grief, even for one day. I am afraid it will consume me whole.

People tell me I should be over you by now. It has been six years after all, I need to move on with my life but I can't seem to let you go.

Every year on your birthday I try to imagine what you would look like if you were here. In my mind's eye you are dark like daddy and have thick, dark hair. Green/gray eyes like the twins and a constant smile like Karson.

You have your teddy bear that you carry everywhere, I wonder what you would have named it. Do you have a favorite blankie as well?

I pray every day that you are happy where you are. I pray that God will let you know how much you are loved. And I pray that you are with our family and they are caring for you. Have you met your grandparents? Is Kenna your best friend? I can't wait to see you again, to hold you in my arms. I will never let you go! I can't wait for your brothers to know you. I am sure you are watching over us, I hope you hear us speak of you often and know we wish you were here. We have not, and we never will forget you. You are as much my child, forever, as your brothers. I love you so very much.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Love Mommy

Happy Birthday Lucey

Happy Birthday to my beautiful baby girl Lucetta Grace.

I hope the angels sing to you today and all your family in heaven give you hugs to make up for the hugs I would give everything I owned to be able to give to you today.


Six years.... Six years since I felt you move, six years since I heard your heartbeat, six years since you were with me. Six years that I have missed you, longed for you, yearned for you.

Six years that I have prayed for you, six years that I have begged you to understand how much I dearly loved you, six years that I have mourned you.


Happy Birthday baby girl, I love you so much.

Missing Lucey

August 6th. Just a little more than a month away is Lucey's birthday.

Lucey was already gone when she was born. Had been gone for quite some time. Her tiny body was in pretty rough shape and all I remember is this red.......thing.

I hate that I don't have a picture, either mental or real of what she looked like.

I hate that I let the hospital *dispose* of her.

I hate that they never told me I had the option of burying her.

I hate the word dispose.

I hate the term "Late term miscarriage"

I hate the term "Gross genetic defect"

I hate that my only daughter is in heaven and not here with me.

I hate that people don't really consider her a loss because she never really lived.

I hate that I get so sad whenever I think of her.

I hate that I seem to be the only one on earth who mourns her loss.

I hate that I have no grave to visit.

I hate that I am the only one who ever speaks her name.

I hate that I am the only one who has ever shed a tear for her.

I hate that people told me "It's better this way".

I hate this empty space I feel inside of me.

I hate this ache in my throat that makes it hard to breathe whenever I think of her.

I hate that I never got to hold her hand.

I hate that I never got to kiss her cheek.

I hate that I never got to whisper in her ear how very much I love her.

I hate that I have to hide my tears because everyone feels I "Should be over it by now"