Saturday, August 2, 2008

Birthday Gifts From My Daughter

I think she has this backwards, I am supposed to give gifts to HER, not the other way around, but Lucey sent me the most precious gift last night.

I ran to Walmart at midnight to get the new Stephanie Meyer book "Breaking Dawn". It's so nice of her to release her book this week so that I have something to distract me from my tear soaked days while the boys are off at school and the house is all quiet.

Anyway, I got home and wasn't really very tired, so I decided to try and get a little further in Memoirs of a Geisha, since I promised myself I would finish it before I started Breaking Dawn. Finally around 2 AM I was tired enough to go to sleep and actually fell asleep rather quickly.

So here comes the part about the gift. I have always regretted the way my pregnancies have ended. The twins were born at 29 weeks by emergency C-section under general anesthesia. And K was born after 76 hours of labor where he got stuck and his heart stopped, so when he came out they grabbed him and ran from the room.
With Lucey, it was all just so traumatic and sad. I always regretted that I didn't have the delivery where I pushed my baby out and they set them on my stomach and we got to cuddle and kiss their wet gooey heads. I wanted to actually SEE my baby within 24 hours of birth and I wanted to have a normal delivery, whatever normal means, instead of horrible situations and NICU stays and loss.

So last night Lucey sent me a gift for her comming birthday. I had the most vivid dream of being pregnant, pregnant without any worries or complications. I went to the hospital and the were calling the doctor, I was laying on the bed fully dressed and said "I think she's coming!"

They took my pants off and easily and painlessly this tiny, perfect little girl with dark hair and gray eyes slipped from my body. They raised her up and placed her on my chest and she started to nurse right away. I just lay there for hours and stared at her beautiful face and nursed her and held her.

It was like she was saying "This is what I would give you mom, if I could."

This is how I wish it had turned out for us, followed by a long and happy life together. Maybe this is her way of showing me what is to come.

I had a really bad day the other day and someone told me "If you believe you will see them in heaven, you will."

I know with everything in my heart and soul that she is there, waiting for me. That I will see her again, and that her desire is for our family to be an eternal family. I am grateful for the gospel that tells me this is possible. I hope I live worthy to be the mother of my children for the rest of time.


Dona said...

God needed her more than you. She is an angel at his side. So say Happy Birthday, and let her go with happy thoughts. Some day your boys will give you all the little ones you can handle. The day will come. I promise and so does God.

PS He only gives us what we can handle, Even if we do not see it at the moment.

Liz said...

A wonderful dream indeed...

em's scrapbag said...

My life hold many such gifts from your daughter.