Thursday, July 31, 2008

This hurts

Lucey's birthday is coming up. This time of year is always the hardest for me. Yesterday I was sitting in my chair in front of the computer listening to a song written for another mother of an angel baby girl, I had tears welling in my eyes. Sometimes I miss her so bad, and the pain in my chest is so strong that I can barely catch my breath. I was struggling to compose when my little K came in from the other room. I think this boy has a sixth sense that tells him when I am sad and need a little happy boy in my lap giving me kisses and hugs.

His concern was evident as he asked me what was wrong, why did I have tears in my eyes. I told him that my heart was sad and missing Lucey, and that her birthday is coming up.

He snuggled with me, and patted me, and kissed me for a few moments and said "Mom, birthday's are happy, we need to have a party. We can make a cake, and have balloons and ice cream and sing Happy Birthday to her and then we can send the balloons to her in Heaven." He even volunteered to blow the candles out for her.

I think he has the right idea. For too many years now I have held her birthday as the day I get to feel sad and sorry for myself. I think we will have a party. It's not fair to her to have everyone sad and mopey on her birthday.

K is my partner in grief. He never knew Lucey, he was a baby when I lost her, but he thinks about her often. He is the only one, besides me, who mentions her name. When we are out in public and people comment "Oh, you have three boys?" K is always the one who says "No, we have a sister too, but she died." It is almost comical to watch the shock on the people's faces at his blunt announcement and then the fumble trying to figure out what to say in return. He is the one who seems to have a bond with her, maybe they knew each other before and he still remembers her. Maybe her spirit touched him as she left. Who knows, but I know he loves her almost as much as I do, and for that, I am grateful.

So forgive me if I am a little mopey this week. It's always a hard week for me to get through.


Magnolia Street Style said...

There is no need to apologize. I too have felt your pain. Your daughter has touched so many in her life. I'd love to share with you, but I don't see your email.
Take care,

Liz said...

I'm sending hugs your way. I think her brother is the sweetest thing ever!

Jacquie said...

my brother lost his daughter as an infant and he has told me many times how much it helps for others to remember her and use her name. we celebrate her birthday each year at a special place we made in the woods on my parent's farm. Kendall's place. i wish you strength in this time.

Candice said...

I'm sorry jeanette. I know this is a hard time for you. I hope you find peace.