Missing Lucey

August 6th. Just a little more than a month away is Lucey's birthday.

Lucey was already gone when she was born. Had been gone for quite some time. Her tiny body was in pretty rough shape and all I remember is this red.......thing.

I hate that I don't have a picture, either mental or real of what she looked like.

I hate that I let the hospital *dispose* of her.

I hate that they never told me I had the option of burying her.

I hate the word dispose.

I hate the term "Late term miscarriage"

I hate the term "Gross genetic defect"

I hate that my only daughter is in heaven and not here with me.

I hate that people don't really consider her a loss because she never really lived.

I hate that I get so sad whenever I think of her.

I hate that I seem to be the only one on earth who mourns her loss.

I hate that I have no grave to visit.

I hate that I am the only one who ever speaks her name.

I hate that I am the only one who has ever shed a tear for her.

I hate that people told me "It's better this way".

I hate this empty space I feel inside of me.

I hate this ache in my throat that makes it hard to breathe whenever I think of her.

I hate that I never got to hold her hand.

I hate that I never got to kiss her cheek.

I hate that I never got to whisper in her ear how very much I love her.

I hate that I have to hide my tears because everyone feels I "Should be over it by now"