Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I wish so much I could hug you and kiss you and watch you blow out your candles. I want to buy you dolls and play make up, and paint your fingernails, make bracelets to match every outfit, tie ribbons in your hair and teach you all the things I love to do. But I will have to settle myself with spending the day thinking of you, knowing that you are happy where you are and praying you know how much you are loved.

You would be in first grade this year. My how time flies. I wonder if you would have liked your teacher, I wonder if you would be a good student, or if you would struggle. I wonder if you would be shy or outgoing. I can't wait to find all these things out about you.

You were the last thought on my mind as I went to sleep last night, and the first thing I thought of this morning. Daddy got the day off of work and we are going to spend the day together. I am glad I won't have to be alone today, I need the distraction. Not because I don't like to think about you, just to distract me from how sad that makes me. I think it gets harder as the years go by. I seemed to do much better the first few years. Maybe because your three brothers never gave me time to have a moment to sit down and think LOL

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, a thought came into my head. I pondered more this morning and have come to the conclusion that it makes perfect sense to me.

How could I have at least two miscarriages (Possibly more) before the boys were born, and not miss them and yearn for them the way I do you? Why do I not feel they are connected to me. And last night just as my mind shut down for sleep I believe I got an answer.

You are MY CHILD! Your spirit is a part of this family and I will be your mother in the next life. You belong to me, your dad, and your brothers. That is why I feel such a strong connection to you.

The others...God said that every spirit needs a body, and that mother's who were unable to have children in this life will be able to conceive in the next one. Where do those spirits come from?

I think God knew I would understand, that being through the heart ache and loss of infertility, prematurity, and infant loss would make me a compassionate spirit. I believe I accepted the role in the pre-existence of being a vessel for other mothers to have children. I agreed to house within me precious spirits, that came to earth for a body, only briefly before returning to heaven, that in the next life would be able to be born to their own mothers. This is why I grieved their loss, the loss of their potential, but never really grieved the loss of my own child. These precious children were not mine to begin with. I was simply the means to allow them an earthly body, but their spirits are part of another spirit family.

You however, are my child. You belong to my family and this is why I grieve your loss so deeply. You are not a loss of potential, you are a loss of my own sweet child.

The more I think about this, the more it makes sense to me. I understand now. God numbs the pain because they are not my own children but someone else's. The pain of your loss is not numb because I am creating cavities in my soul to be filled with joy when we are reunited.

Happy Birthday Lucey Goosey, I love you with all my heart, may every angel you encounter today give you a million and one kisses. I wish I could give them to you myself.


Jacquie said...

glad you were able to write's beautiful.