Saturday I locked myself in my quilt room and didn't come out all day. It was nice and peaceful and quiet. The boys played outside all day long because it was warm and sunny, B found his own things to do, and I enjoyed a full day of blissful craftiness.
It was just the balm I think for my battered little heart, and I think it has helped a lot with my emotional state. The panic attacks are slowing down. I'm still not sleeping and that makes me cranky, but I didn't cry at all yesterday and that's a good sign.
Today is my Hysterversary, another hard anniversary for me. I wasn't done having children yet. I always wanted a large family but when you have a seven pound tumor that is invading your uterus, your bladder and attaching to your stomach lining and bowel...what do you do?
Despite the anniversary I am feeling fairly stable today. It's early yet, but I'm hopeful that things will not take a turn for the worse. Today I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have more children. Maybe I will fall apart this afternoon, but this morning, I am resigned. Of course I haven't seen a pregnant woman or a baby yet today, so that could be part of it LOL
I keep waiting for this yearning for more children to go away. I pray for it to go away. With every passing year it gets a tiny bit easier
I miss Lucey, and I am very grateful for my three rowdy, smelly, crabby little boys (Even as PK storms up the stairs and slams the door because he didn't get up in time to get to the milk before his brothers and now he has to eat something vile like scrambled eggs, or frozen waffles.)
And of course, just because I woke up today determined to have a good attitude, I have a runny nose and sore throat....again *Sigh*