Thursday, September 9, 2010

A Message for Mothers

I try to keep this blog mostly about crafts, but sometimes I have other things I need to say, and this is one of those times, so please bear with me.

My twins were born way too soon. And among the long list of things we were told could go wrong in their early fight for life, we have managed, by some miracle, to avoid most of the major battles. We were left with a few issues to deal with, and the most trying of which has been my oldest son's Sensory Integration Disorder.

While my son looks perfectly normal on the outside, there are some things in his brain that, due to being overstimulated before he should even have been born, have changed the way he processes things.

For him, a noisy place (Say Walmart for example) can be over stimulating to the point of being painful for him. Every! Single! Time! we go to Walmart, my poor child has a massive meltdown, and I am getting the "Looks" that say "Geeze Lady, get your brat under control!"

Even though I am his mom, and have been with him since day one, sometimes I forget. I think he's "Normal" and I forget to have patience with him when he comes crashing down into a screaming rage.

Sometimes I think it's all my fault, sometimes my heart breaks that this poor kid has to go through what he has to go through. Sometimes I think it's not fair, sometimes I'm angry at him, sometimes I'm angry at me, sometimes I'm angry at both of us. Sometimes I just feel that my ability to cope is exhausted and I can't take one more day.

My son has to go to counseling at school. As he has matured, his over stimulation has changed the way it manifests itself. Now that he is more able to express himself verbally, the crying, screaming fits have mostly stopped and his outlet has become extreme anger. He can be very rude, belligerent, and verbally abusive. Some days he is not, at all, pleasant to be around, and I am afraid for him.

I have told him if he continues to treat people this way, people are going to desert him, he will run out of people who love him. And while that is the last thing I want to have happen, I can see people closing off from him, and I want him to be surrounded by people who love him.

I love him, I cherish him, but even I will admit that some days it is harder than others. It's hard sometimes to look at him, when he's screaming how much he hates me, and think of how precious he is to me.

More than anything I wish I could find a way for him to be happy.

He has been ordered by his school counselor to take anger management classes, so guess where I will be every Thursday night?

Please keep us in your prayers that if nothing else, this will teach him positive ways to cope with the emotions that are constantly boiling inside of him.

I just love that kid so much!

In the meantime, here is a video message from the LDS Church for days when you feel like you can't cope.


Becky K said...

Oh, Jeanette. I am sorry you and P are going through this. It is so so hard sometimes to remember our real feelings about them when they are behaving in a way that drives us nuts. I struggle with it so much these days - I hate that I become this angry mean mom. so what I'm getting around to saying is that (in so many ways) I understand. Hang in there, friend. I'll be thinking of you.

Amy Sorensen said...

Wow. That is tough. I wish I had some advice for you, but sympathy is all I have. I'm sorry! Like Becky, I will be thinking of you!

Stray Stitches said...

We must all try to remember that God will not give us more than we can handle and it sounds as if your are doing a wonderful job with a difficult situation. My prayers are being sent for you and your son!

DottieLou said...

tons of prayers, lots of faith and trust in your son and the Lord no matter what... it will get better. Z is 24 and we have finally had a couple of really pleasant years.

Ellen said...

I work with children with sensory disorders and just left a meeting for my son who has been diagnosed with sensory disorder. My prayers are definitely with you.

KQuiltyBee said...

Showers of prayers for you and your son. Love is a commitment much more than moment to moment feelings, and I know you have total commitment to your children and family. Hang in there! Go ahead and rely on God.