Friday, January 25, 2008

Dying Young

I have always believed my life would be short.

Maybe it is because, since puberty, my life seems to be one health problem after another.

There has always been pain of some form or another in my life. Cysts, scar tissues, kidney stones, heart palpitations. Then my nightmare pregnancy. Trust me to get a disease that only 1/2% if women will ever get. Just my luck. And as a result the problems with my memory, the problems with my heart.... Not to mention going through menopause in my 20's. That was lovely

As long as I can remember, I have never believed I would grow old. And that belief is still with me today. Sometimes it really bothers me, the thought of not getting to see my great grandchildren, and possibly not my grandchildren. The thought of my boys not having a mother to run to when they need one. Because even adults need their mothers sometimes. The thought that my parents will outlive me and that my death will cause them pain. The thought of the emotional pain my children will suffer.

But it's not all bleak, there are some upsides to dying young. I won't have to outlive any more of my children (God willing). I won't ever be a burden to them. I won't grow old and need to be shuttled to doctors appointments, I won't ever be in a rest home and resentful and nagging of the lack of visits. They won't have to come and mow my lawn and clean my house, they won't have to take me shopping to the grocery and clothing stores. I won't have a chance to grow old and bitter.

I have always worried that I have only sons and not daughters because daughters are the ones who take care of their parents. But it will be a non-issue because I will be gone before I become a burden.

I do however worry about who will take care of my own parents as they age. If my parents stay here, my sister will be almost two hours away, who will take them to their doctors appointments and to the pharmacy if I'm not here.

I hope my boys grow up to be good men who will take care of them.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to die young. I want to live to be 92 years old and enjoy my life and my grandchildren. But I simply don't believe that is the way things will be. I don't plan to do anything to fascilitate my early departure, but I believe I will not live to see my 60's.

Spending time around my mother and her siblings and listening to the way they speak about their mother, I am glad that my children will never feel that way about me. I don't ever want to be old enough that I get mean. I don't want to be responsible for making my children wish to avoid spending time with me.

On to other subjects... I am crabby today. I don't know why, maybe because yesterday totally wiped me out, but my children are getting on my last nerve today. They aren't behaving any differently than usual, I just have no patience today.

I thought coming here and locking myself in my office and journaling would make me feel better and give me a break from all of their little boy noise but they can't even seem to leave me alone for two seconds. In the time it has taken me to write this much each boy has opened my door and come in to tell me something at least twice. I don't even get a full minute without hearing "Moooooom" *sigh* I need to find a way to adjust my attitude soon before I spend all day being upset and snippy. My boys deserve better than that.

About yesterday, it was super saturday at my church. A full day of craft classes and I was one of the ones in charge. I don't EVER want to be in charge of super saturday again! Wow that was a lot of work. And while most of the women seemed to be thrilled with the classes and projects offered, there are always the few that are never happy and find something to complain about, no matter what. It just makes me frustrated because I am a pleaser, I want everyone to be happy and sometimes that just isn't possible.

You can't please all of the people, all of the time. I know that in my head but my heart still wants to try.

It was a little sad for me because alas, I have no money. None! The problem with being a substitute teacher is that you don't get paid for three months in the summer. It sucks not having any "play" money. and when the money was due for the super saturday projects, I didn't have any, so I didn't get to sign up for anything. So I spent all day yesterday running around helping other people do fun things, but not actually getting to do anything fun myself. Not to mention that I don't really feel like I fit in here. Here I am, this short fat frumpy girl, surrounded by tall athletic women who buy expensive clothes and have perfect hair. I feel like a troll among fairies LOL

So alas, I am in a crabby mood today, I was hoping that writting out all of my frustrations would make me feel better, but nope, I am still crabby LOL

Off to work on my pillow some more, then we are heading to my mom's for dinner. She is fixing Lasagna. I hate lasagna . Maybe I will pull a B move and stop at McD's for a cheeseburger on the way over . Oh yeah, forgot, no money . Can I just go back to bed now? LOL I have had enough of today and it's only 11 am.