July 3, 2007

Today's journaling prompt..... How do you express your love? To yourself? To other people?

Wow, this is something I really struggle with. For some reason I have no problems wrapping my arms around my children, kissing them a million times and telling them I love them with my whole heart.

It is the adults in my life I struggle with.

I was IMing with my mom the other night and as I signed off I said "Love You" and it felt so awkward. Why is it so hard for me to tell people I love them? Maybe fear of rejection? (Yeah, like my mom is going to roll her eyes and say EWWWWW GROSS, Get away!!!") so that theory is rediculous.

Maybe a fear of exposing myself to the possibility of being hurt? Maybe the fear of redundancy, if you say something too much does it cheapen the value? I honestly don't know.

I know that telling my husband I love him before I hang up the phone has become habit. Something I automatically say, and I have to wonder, when I say it, does he feel it? Or does it just vanish into his mind as something he is used to hearing?

Why can I say a passive "Love you" before I hang up the phone but seem to be unable to stand, in person, before him, look him in the eye and say "I love you, and I am very glad that you are a part of my life. And though sometimes I am so annoyed and irritated with you that I don't like you one bit, I still love you and can't imagine having any other husband in the world but you. I am glad you are mine and I am yours."

Why can't I look my mom in the eye and say "Mom, you have been the best mom there ever was. You have been my mentor and my friend. You have taught me so much. I am glad we are so close, I am glad we have the kind or relationship that we do. I am glad that we share so many hobbies and that it allows us to spend so much time together. I am glad we live close together and that even when I can't drive over to see you, you are just a phone call away and you will always be there and willing to help me solve my problems and ease my fears. Thank you for taking care of me when I was so sick, and for not resenting it, or at least not letting it show if you did. Thank you for visiting me every single day all the times I have been in the hospital. Thank you for taking my children and allowing me to get some "Me" time. Thank you for all your financial support over the years and for catching me when I fall. Thanks for giving me a place to run home to and always leaving the door open. If I could look around the world right now and pick any woman on earth to be my mother, I would pick you without a moments hesitation. I can't imagine that anywhere on this earth this is a mother better. I love you!

To my Dad-You have given me a love of music and for that I am ever so grateful. Music has lifted my spirit and given me a natural high that drugs could never even come close to. You have given me strength. When I have given up and didn't think I was capable of doing something you pushed me and encouraged me and saw me through to the end. You have loved my sons and seeing you with them and they way you interact with them has made me love you that much more. You have always come running when I have called for help, rescuing me from the prom date from hell, picking me up late at night when I went to a movie that made me so uncomfortable I had to leave but none of my friends wanted to leave. Acting gruff in front of my boyfriends so that they always behaved because they were just a little bit scared of what you would do to them if they didn't . Thanks for worrying about me so much when I was sick. I am sorry for all the problems I caused for you because you were worried about me and the boys, but I have never felt more loved. Thanks for being the best dad in the whole world!

To my sister- Despite all the times we have argued and hurt each other, both intentionally and unintentionally, despite all the mean things we have said to the contrary. I love you, and I am so glad you are my sister! I am grateful that when I was young and didn't have any friends you let me hang out with you, and yours. Thanks for sharing a locker with me in highschool even though I am sure you would rather have shared with your friends. Thanks for putting up with me tagging along and being obnoxious. Thanks for being one of my very best friends now that I am an adult. Thanks for all the times you have listened to me cry and feel sorry for myself on the phone. Thanks for telling me to grow up when I needed to hear it. Thanks for trips out of town and sharing rooms and staying up all night giggling. Thanks for teaching me lots of cool things, like scrapbooking and bocce. Thanks for giving us a place to stay and a place to visit. You're the best, I love you.

And to everyone else out there who I don't tell enough, I love you too! Thank you for being my friends, my co-workers, my bosses, my pals. You make this life bearable, each and every one of you.

Dangit, where are the kleenexes?