Monday, October 20, 2008

It's a lesson to learn over and over and over.

Sometimes I listen a little to closely to that voice that whispers in my ear that I am nothing special.

In sunday school a couple of weeks ago a sister shared a fable about a man who was conversing with an angel and because of the presence of the angel was able to see things that he wouldn't normally be able to see.

He observed a man walking by who had legions of demons around him, screaming things, and trying to hold him back and drag him down. The man said "Wow, look at that man, he must be a very evil man to be surrounded by so many demons." The angel then told him that it was quite the opposite, the man was very holy and Satan had sent his legions to try to bring him to the other side, because corrupting a man of great holiness is a feat to be admired in the demon ranks.

They then observed a man who walked easily with a single demon at his side. The man said "That man must be VERY good, he has no demons attacking him" and once again the angel corrected him saying "On the contrary, this man is so corrupt and evil that he only needs one demon to whisper in his ear."

I have often wondered, if I could see myself through the angels eyes, how many demons woud it take to sway my judgement. Sometimes I feel as if I have legions dragging me down. Take for instance the days my children were baptised. In my haste to get everyone ready and out the door, as well as be prepared for the celebrations afterward, it seemed that things went wrong one after another and my patience was so thin it was see through. I definately didn't have the right kind of spirit within me as I left my home on those mornings.

On the nights that I had large enrichment activities planned, it was the same way.

Sunday mornings, getting ready for church.

Conferance weekends... all kinds of things that take me further and further from the way I want to be, from the spirit I want to feel.

It seems like the times that I want to have the spirit the closest to me, it is when I feel the weight of the world dragging me away. They whisper in my ears that I am unworthy of God's love, of Christ's sacrifice. That I don't deserve forgiveness but punishment.

Other times it seems as if it requires very few demons to accomplish Satan's goal. All it takes is one little demon whispering in my ear that I am not enough, not worthy, not deserving. I spend a little too much time listening to those voices, absorbing their messages and making them my mantra. I am not enough, I am not worthy, I am not deserving. I allow myself to forget my own self worth. I allow myself to be swayed by the demons saying "Look at them, look at what they have, look at what they do, look at who they are, they are better than you."

Sometimes I need to sit myself self down and give myself a good talking to. Tonight while the boys were at basketball I had the chance to sit and talk to the bishop's wife. She is someone I truly admire. She is a beautiful person with an even more beautiful soul. She is one of those people who is truly GOOD. Do you know what I mean? I wish I was more like her.

Today was a rough day for me. I had the chance to reconnect with an old friend. Someone that I was once close to but let time and distance get in the way. We talked and shared our histories...schooling, jobs, spouses, kids and I found myself ashamed. I looked at my life and the face I present to the world and I felt inadequate. I looked at my blog, trying to see myself as he would see me when he came here to look and I felt superficial and shallow. I didn't want him to see me this way because I didn't want him to see how little I had to offer.

But sitting quietly on the sidelines at the boys' basketball practice I had a chance to remind myself... Christ wasn't a high powered person, he wasn't a senator, or a doctor, or a lawyer. He was humble, he was a carpenter, he worked with his hands and it was enough, it was more than enough, he...alone saved the world.

So I don't have to be someone important, I don't drive a brand new car, I don't have a big fancy house, I don't have a high powered job, I will never be Mother Theresa, I will never win the Nobel Peace Prize... but I AM enough. I have many things to offer and it may not be the cure for cancer but SOMEONE has to be the mom who stays up all night worrying about how she is going to pull off the PTA Halloween Carnival, someone has to teach kids to read, someone has to scrub the toilet and sweep the kitchen floor, someone has to do the things I do, and I get to be the one who does them. I get to be home with my kids when they're home, and I get to hang out and sew with my mom and sister, and I get to crochet in my free time and I get to chat with my long lost friends online and guess what?

It IS enough, and I am worthy. And just this once I was able to flick my finger and send a couple demons flying. I am putting on my armour for the next battle.


The Yeates said...

you are truly the most amazing person. hang in there...

Amy Sorensen said...

Thank you for writing this. I seriously needed to read it.

Melissa said...

Very insightful. Thanks for a great reminder. I love reading your blog, you always share deep thoughts. Thoughts I need to hear, but somehow never come up with on my own. By the way, next time I come to Gardner Village I will definately swing your way.

Mrs.Misses said...

You obviously have great worth to have so much trying to sway you to think otherwise. I think the future and the great worth we hold (as insignificant as we feel) is inspiring others and preparing the children for the fight they will have as adults. It will be even more poignant and difficult for them and our refiner's fire is preparing us to be able to prepare them. I know you are a great mom because you have great children. It is a challenging profession!

Thank you for sharing. I don't know how many times I have felt the same way, but it is an easy victory for Satan when compare ourselves to others. We can always find a way to lose.

Candice said...

Thanks for sharing Jeanette! I am going through the same feelings lately. I can't post any pictures of myself somewhere where somebody might see them... because I am ashamed of myself and the way I have let things get out of control. Thanks for the reminder on what matters! I needed it! Oh, and just for the record, I think you are an awesome person and I love you!!!

Billy Bob Bambino Bombabious Baby the Third said...

Can I tell you something? You rock. You consistently impress me - always have! I can't believe I found you again... I love the internet.

You make me happy. Thank you.

Kris said...

wow. Thank you so much for that post. It's something I need to read everyday. You put into words, feelings that are so hard to express to others. Thank you for being so open with your feelings and mostly thank you for letting me know that I am enough!