Monday, March 16, 2009

At the end of my rope...

I have come to the end of my emotional rope and I'm not coping very well.

I'm having panic attacks and starting to feel depressed. I have been depressed before, I don't want to go back to that, it scares me more than a little.

I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and one of my biggest triggers are helicopters. I have gotten better since I have lived in this house where the helicopters fly over several times a day.

A few years ago at the mere sight of a helicopter my whole body would begin to tremble uncontrollably, I would break out into a cold sweat, it was all I could do to supress the urge to run and hide from the helicopter if I saw it, but especially if I heard it. The whumpada whumpada of helicopter blades makes me feel like I am in iminent danger, like something is here to harm me and I have to escape.

This whole helicopter thing is embarrassing, it makes me feel like a freak and it makes me feel stupid. I always feel like people are rolling their eyes behind my back every time I freak out and I hate it. I said, it's getting better thanks to the constant sight and sound of helicopters where we live.

However...the more stressed I am, the more the helicopters bother me. Even thinking of a helicopter right now brings tears to my eyes and the overwhelming feeling that something evil is looming over my shoulder.

I have never been able to explain this, because even though a helicopter played a central role in the events that caused me to develop PTSD, the helicopter was not traumatizing at all. I barely remember being on the helicopter. I do remember that they couldn't get the bed to connect to the rails and they almost dropped me. I remember it was very cold. But they were giving me so many drugs at the time that most of the rest of it is very hazy. I remember that my flight nurse, the one that I could see anyway, was blonde and that she kept asking me to tell her if I felt a warm flush on my legs. She kept asking me to smile at her so that she could check if I was having a stroke. I don't remember the sound of the helicopter at all, but it must have registered subconciously.

Anyway, all of that to tell you that I have obviously come to the end of my emotional rope. I spent all last night dreaming about helicopters. This coupled with the constant axiety attacks that I have been fighting off lately is proof.

I am afraid of where my mind is going. Afraid of having a nervous breakdown, or going crazy. I dreamed last night that I was being chased by helicopters. Every time I see one, I have the odd feeling that it's coming for me. Last night in my dreams they really were. I saw a helicopter fly over and it crashed. I thought we were a safe distance away, but it cartwheeled end over end until it landed directly on top of my. I woke in a cold sweat with my heart pounding and my head spinning. It took me forever to fall asleep and when I did, I dreamed that I was being kidnapped, that they were putting something over my mouth to make me pass out while dragging me toward a waiting helicopter, awake...heart pounding, dizzy, clammy.... finally drift off again to be standing on a helicopter pad in Hawaii... there is an erupting volcano and the only way to safety is to get on the helicopter, B is frantically dragging me toward it, begging me, I pass out and wake up in a panic.

This morning I am exhausted, I wish I could crawl back into bed and sleep for 100 years but at the same time I don't want to go back to sleep because I know the helicopters are waiting in my dreams.

I wish I could just stay home from work today, but I will be a good girl and go help little kids learn to read. Hopefully I won't have any more panic attacks today, but I'm not holding my breath. They are coming at me in waves.

I feel like I'm going crazy =0(


Melissa said...

I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now. It Will pass though- hang in there.


Valori said...

As a child I use to dream about a big thick heavy coat my dad use to have kind of a creamish, tanish color, it gave me nightmares.. I dreamed I would touch it and it would be soo heavy it scared me... Still to think about it makes me scared!! This sounds more silly than helicoptors!!

The past 2 nights I have dreamed of death, someone very distant to me, someone I only know who they are and nothing more, but it is a dream that won't leave... I hate those dreams!! Someone told me though it usually means that person will have a long life! I only hope it doesn't mean I loose someone close, that is a big fear of mine!!!!! Hang in there!!

jacquie said...

hugs from here too...

Liz said...

Don't be embarrassed. I get panic attacks too - also over things most people would consider silly. But it sure doesn't feel silly when you are in the middle of one. So hang in there!