Recently I stumbled across someone from my past. Someone that I have spent the last twenty years trying to forget!
This man was a mentor to me. He gave me something I treasure with every fiber of my being...my love of music! He was my director. I wanted nothing more than to make him proud of me. I wanted him to praise me the way I had heard him praise other students. But for some reason, he had it in his head that the best way to motivate me was to compare me to someone I didn't like. He wanted me to get competitive, to work harder, to be better. I know that now.
I didn't then.
Back then, when he would make comments, or sarcastic jokes, all I heard in my head was "You're not good enough, you won't ever be good enough."
I wanted him to like me, I wanted him to be proud of me, and I wanted him to say, or do something to let me know that he thought I WAS, in fact, good enough. I never got it.
It has been twenty years, TWENTY YEARS!!! and still I am hurt by his rejection. Why is that? Why don't I have the power to say to myself "He was just a man, just one opinion." I have had many people tell me I'm good, I have had people tell me they hear angels when I play. But all I hear is his voice saying "Not good enough!"
I wish I could wipe him from my mind. I wish I could forget all the things he said, the way he mocked me, the things he did that made me feel inferior.
He called me by a name he knew I hated, and then got angry when I refused to respond to him. He sent me to the principals office, then demoted me to last chair as punishment.
No matter how well I played, he never put me back in first chair because he felt the need to put me in my place.
I want to hate him. I want to despise him...
I want him to tell me I was good enough, and that he was proud of me =0(
Twenty years, and it still hurts!
Be careful what you say. You never know when it will be the only thing someone hears.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Posted by Jeanette at 2:59 PM