Friday, January 25, 2008

I am a failure

I have spent most of today in tears.

My son, my child, I have no idea how to get through to him!

He's so furious all the time, literally ALL THE TIME!

This morning he said "I hate you, you stupid B!tch"

It tore my heart apart. He is eight years old!!! Where do these emotions come from?

I wish the doctors could finally figure something out. Therapy is getting us no where. He is just as angry as ever.

He goes off into these rages and destroys everything in his path.

He has been raging for five hours now. He has tipped his dresser over, pulled the sheets and mattress off his bed, and thrown something at the wall hard enough to dent it.

Why? Because I asked him if he could pick up the dirty clothes in his bedroom (all of maybe five items) and put them in the laundry basket because daddy was going to start the wash.

I finally had to come downstairs and lock myself in the office and cry because I don't know what else to do.

I am a monster, I told him that he makes me hate being a mother.

What kind of mother says that to her own child? I am just so defeated, and tired, and emotionally exhausted.

I thought about calling my MIL and asking her if she would come take him for a while because I am seriously so at the end of my rope with him, but I don't want to call her because she rewards him for his behaviour.

She buys him toys, takes him to McDonald's, takes him to the park. Why can't she help me? Why does she reinforce this? She is my only resource but when she takes him and gives me a break he comes home worse than before.

I wish I could lock myself in a closet and sleep for 100 years.

Now... laundry is started, room is put back together and he is playing with cars right here on the floor like nothing ever happened. Making slobbery car sounds then running up to kiss my cheek and lay his head on my shoulder and say "Love you Mommy" then off back to his cars.

I walk on eggshells, ever fearful of setting him off.

I imagine it is somewhat like living with an abusive spouse, always afraid of saying the wrong thing, putting something in the wrong place, asking for help with something at the wrong time.

One time I say "Hey buddy can you do this for me?" and he says sure and runs off to accomplish his task, eager to please.

The next time it is screaming and hitting and swearing and throwing things.

I am never sure what the response will be, I speak to him while tensing up on the inside ready for an explosion. Sighing with relief if his response is calm.

I don't know how to live the rest of my life like this, I just don't. I wish so very very much that things could be different.

Not a day goes by without a melt down of some sort. I am just so tired of trying to fight for even ground.

I would give anything and everything to make his hurt and anger go away, to help him be happy. I just don't know how. I feel like a failure.