Friday, January 25, 2008

There are no do-overs in life.

Sometimes I look back on my life, at certain instances and wish I could do something over again.

From early childhood I can look back now and see each mistake I made along the way to get me to where I am today, which isn't a bad thing mind you, but there are some things that I look back on and feel horrible that I was that person, or sad that I didn't do or say something differently when it could have made a difference.

People that I wish I had tried harder to stay in touch with.

People I wish I had learned to let go a little sooner.

Toxic relationships that I nourished because I was somehow unaware of their toxicity.

Time spent rushing through a moment when in hindsight I can see how precious that moment was and truly wish I had taken the time to slow down and relish it.

Things that have hurt me that I have clung to, and things to lift me up that I have brushed away.

People I treated poorly who deserved my kindest regard and people I put up on a pedestal who didn't deserve my time of day.

What would I change if I could go back? It's hard to say.

I would have tried harder to stay in touch with Katie, my best friend as a child. I think of her often and wonder where she is today and what her life is like.

I would have forced myself to be more outgoing in school instead of letting my friends always be the leaders. I would have been more daring and taken more risks instead of going with the flow and giving up my dreams to fear.

I would have opened my eyes much sooner and really looked at the man I married. He has some definite flaws, but I tend to spend so much time focusing on the flaws that I don't see the really great and wonderful person attached to them.

This one is really hard to say, but I would have spent much less time focusing on infertility and more time enjoying my life, my friends, and my husband. I wish I had had a promise then that I would have children some day. I wasted so many years grieving the child I didn't have right then that I missed the life and my youth that was passing me by.

I would have spent much MUCH less time obsessing on being a good/perfect parent and berating myself for not living up to my impossible standards, and more time watching my babies sleep, more time kissing their toes and singing lullabies.

I would have realized that Karson had colic, he was going to cry no matter what I did, and the fact that he cried did NOT mean I had completely failed as his mother.

I would have spent less time blaming myself for being sick, and everything that went wrong surrounding my pregnancies.

I would have taken more pictures.

I would have gone on more walks.

I would have spent more time snuggling in bed on saturday mornings.

But alas, like I said before, there are no do overs in life, all I can do is start from this moment on, have a goal for what I want out of my life and hope that I make it, and if I don't, that's ok too.

I need to find a way to accept myself as I am. All my flaws, and shortcomings and be happy with ME.

And I really really need to find a cure for insomnia so I don't rattle off vague entries in the middle of the night.