Friday, January 25, 2008

Who needs self worth?

Ahhh, nothing like spending the weekend with family to knock your self esteem down a peg... or 20.

Sheesh, I feel battered after this weekend. It all went well until today, the last day and maybe after spending three days in close proximity with your family helps them to remember all the little things they really don't like about you. Who knows. But it feels like I took a lashing from all corners.

#1 DH told me I didn't help enough. Ok, I will give him that one, he set up our camp completely by himself, but in my defense I had just spent the last two hours in an un-air conditioned car and I get sick when I get too hot. Not to mention my heart has been wigging out all weekend and I got two whole hours of sleep the night before. So yes, he did the work by himself but a little understanding would have been nice. And I didn't even know he resented it until we were on our way home *sigh*

#2 My grandma... it is my firm belief that the woman does not like me at all. She is always making snide comments about me. About my weight, about my life you name it. So I had just gone around and picked up all the boys crap that was spread all over camp, bagged all the chairs and my heart starts having a cow so I sat down for a minute. I was sitting less than five minutes, my aunt and uncle and mom were helping B take the tent down and my grandma makes a snide comment to my dad, pointing at me and saying "You didn't do a very good job of teaching that girl" and my dad, instead of laughing it off like I thought he would said "Yeah, we didn't do a very good job on some things". Wow, way to make me feel like total CRAP dad!

#3 my mom pretty much implied that I was a crappy parent because I let my little boys out of my sight. Seriously mom, I can hear them, I told them they could go around the loop (We were literally right smack dab in the center of the loop, the road pretty much made a circle around our campsite) but no where else. I think she forgets that my sister and I ran willy nilly all over that campground when we were kids. She expects me to follow my children around like a little puppy. She has totally forgotten that by the time my sister and I were my boys' age, we were not only running all over the campground but playing in the river un-attended. She makes me feel like a crappy mom.

#4 My mother made fun of my decoupaged table. I was so embarrassed, I was so proud of that table and she made fun of it to her mother and her sister. She made me feel stupid not only for doing it in the first place but for being proud of it. She rolled her eyes and I was instantly ashamed. Now I just want to get rid of the stupid thing. I was prepared for DH not to like it, but I wasn't prepared for my mother to mock me.

I am sitting here in tears. I feel like garbage. It seems like I did nothing right this weekend and I feel like every time I turned around someone was pretty much implying that I am a waste of the air that I breathe.

I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out.