Friday, January 25, 2008

Yet another sleepless night

Here it is 2:00 am and yet again I am sleepless.

I know it is stress, with all of the problems I have been having with my heart lately, I worry... a lot. What will happen to my boys if I die in my sleep? Who will B marry and will she love my children and take care of them.

I know I really shouldn't worry about these things, but I do. Especially at night when I am laying down and the lack of motion makes the odd beats of my heart that much more noticeable. Every pounding double beat, every stall, every racing beat, makes me nervous, what if it's my last?

My doctor still can't figure out what is going on. I am assuming she checked my cholesterol in all of her blood work, I know she checked my thyroid and a million other things, blood work all came back fine but I am having definite irregularities.

We thought at first it was stress and that after the baptism things would get better, and they did slow down tremendously, but didn't go away. So she did the blood work and my white cell count was high. We figured I had an infection somewhere that was causing problems.

Turns out I had kidney stones and we figured once I passed them, my heart would mellow out. Finally passed the stones and my heart is still out of kilter.

So I lay in bed at night, with my heart doing crazy things and I try so hard not to pay attention, but how can you ignore something like that? So my mind zero's in and guess what? I start to worry and guess what? That makes it worse.

Every night when I say my prayers I beg God to let me wake up in the morning. I hate going to bed no knowing if I will open my eyes again.

This is really wearing me down emotionally and physically due to lack of sleep *sigh*

On a more positive note... I have this little oval table that I bought for our home just before B and I got married. That makes it just over 12 years old and it has been through the ringer. It had a big gouge in the top and at one point the top of the table had been broken completely off.

B fixed it for me, but it still had the gouge. I got the brilliant idea to decoupage the table top and mentioned it to B, he said NO WAY LOL. He just didn't have the mental picture of how cute it would be.

About a week ago we got in an argument. I can't even remember what about now, but he said something about this being HIS house because HE pays the bills. Oh man, talk about a slap in the face. He knows how to hurt my feelings because he knows I am insecure about being a stay at home mom, and not contributing financially (yes I work, but usually only about five days a month, which doesn't really rake in the dough if you know what I mean). Not to mention his mom is always picking at me, telling me I need to get a job, with more hours and better money. She pretty much implies that I am leeching off of B and taking advantage of him. It starts to wear on me after a while. (Thankfully after our big fight about two years ago she has eased up on that and no longer makes those comments (at least not to me) but the damage was already done, the insecurity was already there before she stopped)

So yeah, to have B say that to me was a big blow. He did later apologize and say that he only said that because he knew it would get to me worse than anything else (gee thanks honey, apology accepted ).

But, a hole day passed before the apology. A whole day where I was stewing and feeling miserable and more than a tad passive aggressive so I seized on the idea of decoupaging the table again. It was something I could do to make myself feel better and irritate B at the same time. So I took the table apart, sanded it, and started cutting squares of paper.

The only problem is, when I went to put it back together, it wouldn't go back together UGH. So there is sat, in two pieces when B came home and I had to ask him to help me put it back together LOL. He took one look at it and said "Well.....that's.....interesting!" But for once in the man's life he did the smart thing and kept his yap shut, helped me put the table back together and hasn't said a word about it since.

I don't think he is crazy about it, but I adore it! It turned out exactly as I pictured it in my head, I am thrilled.

Also pictured right next to my adorable table is my new couch that I am crazy about. It's exactly what I wanted and it was a total steal! We bought it from a listing on KSL. It was used to stage a condo and when the people moved in, they didn't want the love seat, just the full sized couch, the sold us the love seat and bought a recliner. Worked out great for me because I wanted to get rid of my full sized couch and get a love seat because the living room in this house is the size of a postage stamp.

And as you glance past my darling table and adorable new couch you will see my red antique door, salvaged from a 120 year old house. It's another thing I love that DH just kind of rolls his eyes at and accepts because he doesn't have a choice . I am on the hunt for the perfect antique doorknob, trying to find one that matches the shape of the paint outline on the door. But I refuse to pay as much as they want for them on eBay, and remain convinced that if I wait long enough, I will find a knob for the perfect price and my little door will be complete (is this a bad time to mention that my darling husband still loves me despite the fact that there are 12 more of these doors stashed in my attic? )