Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Feeling Glum

This week has been really hard for me. I have spent pretty much every day in tears.

Sunday, I was more or less manipulated into going to church, a place I avoid like the plague because everyone there is either pregnant, or has a newborn. No, really. I am not exaggerating. I have never seen so many babies or pregnant women as I have since I moved here. It is very hard for me to go to church each week, I come home so depressed and heart broken not uplifted and fulfilled.

I have tried for years to reconcile myself with the fact that I am done having children. My life long dream of having a large family will never be realised.

I grew up on movies like "Life With Father", "Cheaper By The Dozen", "Yours, Mine, and Ours", "With Six You Get Egg roll". They were the kind of family I wanted. The big noisy family that truly loved each other in the end.

I grew up lonely. I had a big sister who didn't like me much and saw me as a pest who got in her way of being able to concentrate on her book. I am a social person, I need interaction. My family...not so much. My view of my family growing up was usually the spine of whatever book they were reading at the time. Maybe that is why I hated to read growing up, I saw books as the enemy (Thank heavens I got over that LOL).

I never had anyone to play with and I always dreamed of a large family of siblings that always had someone to hang out with.

I found out early on that that wouldn't be a possibility. At 16 my doctor told my mom that his recommendation for me was a hysterectomy (Yikes, but she put her foot down and told him no way). At 22 after a year of trying diligently to get pregnant B and I were referred to a fertility doctor who told us that our chances of conceiving were slim but he would do his best.

After four years we had the twins, then K, our little unexpected blessing followed immediately after. My doctor told me that being pregnant with twins actually leveled my hormones out enough that it was easier for us to get pregnant.

K was followed a year later by our little angel Lucey, then another four years of trying before they found the tumor and all hopes of ever having another baby were ended permanently three years ago this week.

Three years ago this week, any hope I ever had of ever having another baby was ended when I was wheeled into surgery to remove every trace of my ability to pro-create.

A radical hysterectomy. They took everything... Uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, cervix, the top half of my vaginal canal, lymph nodes....all gone.

I am a barren woman. Damaged goods. B loves me anyway bless him.

But heart is broken. I wasn't done yet. I wanted more babies and I feel like I have been cheated, robbed of the chance to fulfill my dream. B says adoption isn't for him, we decided to go the foster parent route. We took six months of classes, filled out mountains of paperwork, but in the end, when it came right down to the wire he said "I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this." He broke my heart but what can you do? Bringing a child with issues into your home HAS to be a family decision, it isn't something you can do if not everyone is on board.

I feel my missing children around me. I can't really explain it. I know there are people missing from our family. We go out in public and I count my children one...two...three...then my heart stops, where are the rest? Who is missing. Then I remember that no, they are all here, there are only three, and the crack in my heart grows a little wider.

People tell me to be happy with the children I have. I am, I feel more than blessed with these there little men. But how do you explain that void, that sense that someone is missing, to someone who has never felt that? How do you explain to someone that seeing babies breaks your heart, because you would give anything to have more children. I love my children so much, they are my joy, but I feel like they are not all here.

I am just sad today, and feeling a void. I feel like a failure.

I'm sorry, I am not saying all of this for sympathy. I just need to get it off my chest. I do better some times than others, but this week is hard with having to go to church and be near all those babies and pregnant women, and with it being the anniversary of my hysterectomy.

I pray, daily, for God to remove this yearning from my heart. For him to take away this aching need I feel for another child. I understand that giving birth isn't the only way to add children to our family, but if B is never going to change his mind about adoption, then please just take this yearning away, let me be at peace with the fact that this is my family, this is the way it will remain. Don't let me live the rest of my life with this ache in my chest, I don't' think I can do it. Please, just give me peace.


Liz said...

Jeanette, You are NOT damaged goods! I may not "know" you, but from reading your blog I can tell you are a wonderful mom who has a lot of love to offer. Your boys are blossoming under your love and care. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Candice said...

I'm sorry you are so sad today!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're sad today. I wish I lived closer so I could give you a real hug. You and an incredible woman, an awesome Mother, and a great wife. You are not damaged. Please don't think of yourself that way. I pray for your ache to go away and for happiness for you. ((((hugs))))


Josh & Jen said...

I am sorry you have having a bad day today. Sending hugs!!