Monday, October 27, 2008

What would you change if you could do it over...

On facebook the other night my header read...

I wish I could go back and start my life all over again.

I had a couple of people ask me what I would change if I could in fact go back and do it all over again and I started to wonder, I spent the whole weekend wondering what I would do differently the second time around and I am going to make a list and see if I can change them from this point forward. I can't go back and change the past but I can work now to change the future.

I have been thinking a lot about when I was young and the dreams I had. The visions of what my future would look like, the things I wanted to accomplish, experience, and achieve. I am sad to say that my life now looks nothing like I imagined it would and that is my fault. I settled when I should have fought for more, I accepted when I should have refused, I said no when I should have said yes, and I let go when I should have held on (and vice versa).

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with my life. I have a great husband, three beautiful children, but beyond that, what do I have to show for my life? Other than these three little boys what contribution have I made to the world?

I have nothing to show for who I am. I haven't left a mark anywhere and if I died tomorrow, within a generation or two, no one would remember me.

So the question is, where do I go from here? What am I going to do to leave a mark on the world?

I don't know, I guess I have some more thinking to do.

How about you?

3 comments:

Amy Sorensen said...

What resonated most with me was your ideas about the "should haves." I have these, too. Have had much anguish, in fact, about those "should haves." And that idea about how, in a few generations, no one will know who I was? That disturbs me, too. It is probably why I write so much, and scrapbook, just so there is some proof I was here and existed!

What I think, though, is that I would probably make the same mistakes I made if I could do it over, because it was only by making the mistakes that I could learn about my mistakes. It's quite a connundrum, really. It would only work to have a "do over" if you could do it over knowing what you know right now.

Also, I am starting to feel like even though i will probably never manage the extrodinary things I thought I would do with my life, extrodinary things might not really be the point. Maybe it is enough that I have done what I have done, that the sum of my life is all the little, everyday experiences.

I don't know. It's a great topic, though. Thanks for writing it, as it gave me much to think about!

Melisa Kim Casselman said...

I don't think that anyone can really say that we will be remembered. I think that just raising our children to the best of our abilities leaves a legacy. They are not going to remember what mark we left on the world but what mark we leave in their lives. These are the stories we want to leave behind.

The Yeates said...

Thinking back there are things I could have done different, but then I would not have what I do now. And I do not mean stuff but relationships and life experiences. I wish that Zach had made better choices in his life I still do ... but I learned and grew so much during that period of time I really can not trade it. What I really miss most is my kids when they were small, before the challenge of teenager hood. If I could just have a week back from that time frame I would spend every minute with them, I would be more patient and understanding. I would let them wear plaids with strips and orange with purple. We would make cookies and do homework. I would not worry so much about the dust on the TV or the fingerprints on the wall ... and I would make sure they knew and loved Jesus.