I tried to go to bed a while ago and found myself unable to sleep for all the thoughts racing through my head. I have been thinking a lot the last couple of weeks about my life...where I have been, where I am at, and the choices that have brought me here.
Tonight as I lay sleepless I was thinking of the movie "Shallow Hal" I believe most of us have probably seen this so follow along with me. In the movie Hal is cursed/blessed with the ability to see people's countenances based solely on their inner self. Their beauty, or ugliness is a direct reflection of their own character.
And it left me wondering, if my outer appearance was based on my character, would I be beautiful, or ugly?
I have made choices in my life that I am not proud of. I have hurt people and I have on more than one occasion been cruel or rotten to someone I cared about. I look back on those times and my heart breaks. What I wouldn't give to go back and do it over, knowing then what I know now, I would handle things differently the second time around. I would be more kind and handle other's emotions with care.
I think it is growing up that has allowed me to look back and see the person I was in my youth (or even last week), and to feel the shame, guilt and horror that some of my actions inspire within me.
Other moments I look back on and while it's not pride that I feel, it is contentment, I feel that on those rare occasions I made the right choice and I have no regrets there. But other areas of my life are nothing but regrets. What I wouldn't give to correct the mistakes I made, apologize to those who felt pain because of me.
I would like to say I have learned from my mistakes but I know that wouldn't be 100% true, I still slip, I still make mistakes daily and I still hurt people I love. I wish that wasn't true, but it is, and I am left feeling that who I am and what I have become is not something beautiful or anything to be proud of.
I feel ugly, inside and out.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Posted by Jeanette at 9:27 PM