Sunday, November 2, 2008

Am I beautiful?

I tried to go to bed a while ago and found myself unable to sleep for all the thoughts racing through my head. I have been thinking a lot the last couple of weeks about my life...where I have been, where I am at, and the choices that have brought me here.

Tonight as I lay sleepless I was thinking of the movie "Shallow Hal" I believe most of us have probably seen this so follow along with me. In the movie Hal is cursed/blessed with the ability to see people's countenances based solely on their inner self. Their beauty, or ugliness is a direct reflection of their own character.

And it left me wondering, if my outer appearance was based on my character, would I be beautiful, or ugly?

I have made choices in my life that I am not proud of. I have hurt people and I have on more than one occasion been cruel or rotten to someone I cared about. I look back on those times and my heart breaks. What I wouldn't give to go back and do it over, knowing then what I know now, I would handle things differently the second time around. I would be more kind and handle other's emotions with care.

I think it is growing up that has allowed me to look back and see the person I was in my youth (or even last week), and to feel the shame, guilt and horror that some of my actions inspire within me.

Other moments I look back on and while it's not pride that I feel, it is contentment, I feel that on those rare occasions I made the right choice and I have no regrets there. But other areas of my life are nothing but regrets. What I wouldn't give to correct the mistakes I made, apologize to those who felt pain because of me.

I would like to say I have learned from my mistakes but I know that wouldn't be 100% true, I still slip, I still make mistakes daily and I still hurt people I love. I wish that wasn't true, but it is, and I am left feeling that who I am and what I have become is not something beautiful or anything to be proud of.

I feel ugly, inside and out.


Billy Bob Bambino Bombabious Baby the Third said...

It's too bad you can't see what I see. Let me tell you a little of what I see:

1. I see someone who has been through hell and come out again.

2. I see someone who has three active young men in her house who struggles with feelings of adequacy. Remember, it's not the victory that defines and refines us - it's the struggle.

3. I see someone who has goals and hopes and dreams which are inspiring to me, at least.

4. I see someone who gets up every day and does what she has to do all day and then the next day do it all over again.

5. I see, above all, a beautiful daughter of our Father in Heaven, an angel, and a friend.

I once read that the face of a child's mother is the most beautiful on earth because the child looks with love and sees and feels that love returned. You are NOT ugly. You are dignified and angelic.

Melissa said...

You are way too hard on yourself! We've all made choices that we look back on with regret, but that's part of what makes us able to become better tomorrow. I agree 100% with the first comment!

Shanae said...

I think most of us would be pretty average looking. We all have beautiful parts and ugly parts. As long as we keep trying, we're doing okay. I know you're pretty beautiful to me!

Candice said...

I think you are beautiful! :)