Wednesday, January 7, 2009

This sucks

I'm trying very hard to be healtier, and more active. I am tired of being fat and hating myself for the choices I make, but you know what? Change this major is really hard, and it makes me uphappy to give up all the things I love and start doing things I hate.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have totally screwed up my own life and that there is no way back from here. It's a very frustrating feeling.

I wish I was one of those people who hated french fries and loved to go jogging, but I'm not.

I hate the way I look.
I sabotage myself when it comes to relationships because I think no one would want to be friends with someone like me.
I want to like myself, so that I can let other people like me.

I'm lonely, and miserable.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I had the strength to change myself.


ChickenStamps said...

I know exactly how you're feeling and you're right, it does suck. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I think you are an amazingly talented, generous, kind, charitable, lovely woman. Even though we've only met once in person, I feel like you are my friend. I feel very fortunate to have you as my friend. You are beautiful. We women are so much more than our bodies. You are more than you see in the mirror. You are a treasure to all those lucky enough to know you. Please don't let how you feel about your body diminish all those other wonderful things you are. I love you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are down. Please remember that it's a new year, and it's never to late to improve yourself. But don't do it for anyone else but you!

I'm not sure if you've been watching Oprah, but she is all about this battle this week, and if that poor woman can struggle with her weight (even with all the chefs and money she has), then you know it's hard for EVERYONE!

Make a resolution to think one positive thought about yourself each day, and before long, you will see that you are worth it!

Kristin said...

Hang in there. I am facing the same struggles right now. The only way that I am finding strength to do it is to do things ONE step at a time. it sounds time consuming, but after 10 years of resolutions to lose weight, I figure what do I have to lose, trying it this way?

My theory is this... its too much change on the body to shock it into losing weight by changing EVERYTHING - diet, exercise, etc. Your body can't take it and you literally feel MISERABLE. The temptation gets worse, your motivation wanes, its awful.

So. I've been doing things a step at a time. My first week of the year I cut out sugary sodas. The rest of my eating was normal. just no soda. My options are other non-sugary drinks, but caffeine is okay (taking out sugar & caffeine at the same time is too much IMO and I want to keep the caffeine!)

Next, I am starting to exercise a little (still no major changes in diet). I have been alternating doing pilates for a few minutes (as long as I can do it) and then walking with a friend. I am setting a goal of 3 times this week. Next week, I want to try for 5 days of exercise, and taking new vitamins & a fish oil supplement for heart health.

I'm working up, and not working TOO hard. I want this to be a transition for my life to change... not a quick fix (as much as I'd love one).

I'm not telling myself that this whole year has to be diet and exercise and sacrifice.... I'm telling myself that by the end of the year I want to be happy with the changes I have made for my health, my body, my appearance, and my self esteem.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You're your best ally here. You are the only one who can do this for you. Do what you can and be proud that you're doing it. Any change is a positive one.



(PS - i may make this comment into a blog post!)

Super Sly said...

Starting and sticking to a routine is hard at first. I get in a slump at times too. You just have to be disciplined for a short time, then you eventually get into it, and once you start working out, you naturally eat healthier. Don't give up, once you start noticing changes... more energy, clothes fit better, etc., you'll be happier as well. You got this!!!

Billy Bob Bambino Bombabious Baby the Third said...

Two things: hate is a strong word. I really wish you didn't hate yourself, because there's so much about you that is worthy and valuable and lovable. But I am not naive enough to suggest that you or I could just wish it away. If you have these strong feelings, you will find a way to do what you need to do. You are a strong person and you will make it happen.

Second: You are not alone. Reading these other comments is testament to that fact. There are people around you who love you and want you to succeed in everything you do. So hang in there! We're pulling for you.

C.A. said...

I wish I could hug you right now. I've felt that same way many times.

I always find I do better if I have a plan, have food prepared ahead of time and most importantly have a healthy eating/workout partner...someone who is going through the same program as I am. Do you have a friend or a family member who could buddy up with you and make a firm commitment to get healthy? I really think it would help!



pooky225 said...

I saw your post on 2peas and went to your blog from there. i started my excercise routine 4 weeks before thanksgiving, i could barely waddle on my treadmill i felt so fat. Now i do an hour a day and i am up to 22 mins running on it, i have a program that i do that haas me running for 30 secs then walking for 90 to get my breath back,i do this for an hour, if i can do it then i KNOW you can and you have made a great start my friend. Just rememeber start small and do it everyday even if you are tired, just do 15 mins that day. SO far i have only lost a few pounds but i have lost 2 inches around my waist so i know its working. So keep it up my friend, i have added you to my blogs that i read so i will check in with you!!!! see how you are doing!!

Becky K said...

Girl, you are not alone. Really. You are such a kind and talented person. I'm envious of your talent; if I had half of it, oh the things I could do!

There are so many things that are good about you. Think of those things, and believe that they are really there. Know that you truly have friends, the online and the real life ones (and some that fall in both places.) And those friends see the kind, talented, smart person that you are; only you see your insecurities. So try and see yourself from our view.

Don't bite off too much. Focus on one thing, and then build onto it. Trying to cut out everything you like and start doing things you don't just makes for a grumpy day. Keep some stuff that you like, and work on something that is a little easy, then build up to something hard.

And remember you are loved. ;) Hugs.

Candice said...

Hey there!
I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I started Weight Watchers in September and I have lost 50 lbs... I still have 100 to go. I saw a picture of myself the other day and though... DO I still look that bad??! It really made me think. After that, it all went downhill. I totally blew it over the holidays. My friend drug me back to Weight Watchers this week. I didn't want to go at all. I had gained... and I am so disappointed in myself. She told me I was going to do this! I said, "I don't want to do it. I hate living like this. Food is what I look forward to!" We had a good long talk, and I am going to try again! That's what it is all about. Picking yourself up by the bootstraps and going on.

I'd LOVE to give you a pep talk anytime! If I can do it, you can! You are a beautiful person inside and out and I love you! Hugs!

Suzy said...

I'm sad to hear your down,try getting all of your bright fabrics together and just fold them if you don't feel like sewing.When we start the new year its a let down from Christmas and all the work we have just finished.Give yourself a little extra time and some loud fabric,a cup of tea might help also.Try to think about all of the things in your life that you are grateful for,if you can read thats one,if you can take care of yourself,thats two.I don't like to exercise so I clean our house and count that as my exercise.Take care,we love you just like you are.
Wishing you happiness and sunshine always.